COHO patch: Slightly gutless before the holidays

December 16, 2010

Relic plays it safe.Just a few hours after my post showing the Relic mascot (it’s always been a blind cat, by the way) being led by a Nazi lap dog, Relic puts out the biggest patch for COHO in more than a month.

Coinky-dink? I think not, kameraden.

Here’s my two cents in a nutshell: This patch gently tickles some of the outstanding balance issues I highlighted in my earlier post (which by the way, are not somehow unique to me — these were literally the top five COHO balance problems listed on

Sadly, where stern and decisive action was required, we got some rather gutless, half-hearted tweaks. Relic admits as much, saying that this update “focuses on bug and balance fixes, with the intention of not introducing high risk changes or features before we all go off to celebrate the holidays.” It’s a beta, if in name only. Risk, gentlemen, is why you’re aboard.

Anyway, check below the fold for the full list of balance changes, with some commentary.

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“Who have balance this game is a blind?”

December 15, 2010
Who have balance this game is a blind?

There's a Neville Chamberlain joke in here somewhere.

Do you like playing COHO? I’ve got one great question for you: “Who have balance this game is a blind?

This phrase has been seared across my neurons. One instant I was scanning for posts in Relic’s official COHO forums, the next I was rolling on the floor with giddy, joyful mirth.

To me this is on the level of such contemporary classics as “All your base are belong to us,” “I can has cheeseburger?” and the old RTS standby, “He’s in ur base killin ur d00dz.

This is taken from the name of a thread on Relic’s official COHO forums, in which a poster named “Suen” — one hopes desperately he is not a native English speaker — offers no reasons why the game is unbalanced. He got as good as he gave; if you read the thread he gets bashed immediately by Relic, no less.

Relic moderator “Noun” replied in this fashion: “Unlike some more basic games for new gamers where the balance is very easy and simple, because they just mirror units on each side, this is a more advanced game for fans of video games.  If you’d like to spend some time playing the game and learning how it works we’d be happy to accept your constructive feedback.  But if you’re just wanting to point out that this isn’t an easy game that’s not as helpful.”

Well, while Suen offers no more than marvelous grammatical constructs — which are a worthy addition to the enterprise of written English — I will take Noun up on his offer. You want some constructive feedback? Trust me, it’s not for a lack of balance problems with your game. Suck on this bullet-point list, buddy.

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