We endorse Obama: COH needs change

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Click to enlarge

This may come far too late to change the minds of any undecided, COH-playing American voters, but after a lengthy discussion with our editorial board, Rifles Ready! is hereby endorsing the junior senator from Illinois for president of the United States of America. We believe Sen. Barack Obama’s platform, built around his call for change, could only bring good tidings to COH and our beloved game’s community. We need change — from retail 2.301 to whatever the final iteration of the balance patch will be. We need change — from a broken system of poor communication and infrequent updates from Relic, to a more responsive and accountable Relic. We need change — to nerf sickeningly powerful Panzer Elite Armored Cars in retail to buffing underpowered elements of the Wehrmacht and the American Armor Company.

To be clear, we admire Sen. John McCain. He’s for buffing the Strafing Run. He supports adding a nuclear version of the Bombing Run. A veteran himself, he wants better Rifle squad veterancy. He is one of the few senior politicians in the Republican party who has walked the walk, proving that he is a genuine American hero with five years of imprisonment in Vietnam and the scars to prove that he puts his country first. He’s one of the few conservatives still true to the principles of conservatism in a party dominated by theocratic culture warriors and Machiavellian, right-wing hawks. He has a proven record of being a maverick in his long years in the Senate and he’s been one of the most accessible politicians of all time, famous for answering reporters’ questions till no one can think of anything else to ask him.

Yet sadly, in our judgement, the John McCain who did the things we listed above is not the same John McCain running for president in 2008. This new McCain has abandoned virtually all of his anti-Republican positions to curry favor with the Republican base, but that isn’t the only reason Rifles Ready! cannot endorse him this year.

We feel Sen. McCain would stay the course indefinitely with the balance beta, when all signs point to a rapidly diminishing retail fan base that desperately wants SOME semblance of balance in the retail game, ASAP. He would rather us spend 100 years perfecting balance in the beta, when the wiser course is clear: get the beta out with a majority of the most pressing changes, then take time leisurely to pursue minor improvements in the name of perfect balance.

So if you haven’t already, go vote for the Obama-Biden ticket, which will bring change, balance and if the hype is to be believed — world peace via slower-firing Armored Cars.


5 Responses to We endorse Obama: COH needs change

  1. monkeylotus says:

    Hilarious. 🙂

  2. jodonnell says:

    I must respectfully disagree. Barack Oblobba and Joe Blobben would be bad for CoH. Don’t be fooled by Oblobba’s calls for a lower upkeep cost for all factions – it’s all malarkey. Oblobba wants to “spread the wealth,” an obvious reference to his preference for Allied Resource sharing. Not only will Oblobba not solve this issue, he will hand the Allies a manpower check! Further, he has ties to the shady ACORN group, known for their registration drives held near the British Casualty Clearing Stations. If you’re concerned about zombie Tommies at the polling stations, I’ve got bad news for you!

    Oblobba is also tied to Rezko (a notorious emplacement spammer in downtown Chicago) and Ayers (an infamous griefer known for using demo charges on his teammate’s base.) On top of that, Oblobba has been rated “M” (for Melissia) by the NRA for his continued disinterest of the right to bear Panzerschrecks. An armed citizenry of Grenadiers is the only defense against rogue M8s – the police’s PaKs aren’t always around to protect you when you’re out capping in the evening.

    Of course, Blob McCain voted alongside Oblobba in the 700 manpower bailout for the Airborne Doctrine, so he’s a tough sell, too. On the other hand, he once played at a LAN party in Vietnam against an emplacement spammer in a round that lasted several years and never once considered drop-hacking – truly an incredible feat of courage. However, given his advanced age, there are genuine concerns that his micro isn’t what it used to be, and his partner, Sarah Blobbin, is still a noob climbing the leaderboards who would be unable to carry the team by herself.

  3. surpriseprime says:

    rofl @ jodonnell

  4. adrock2xander says:

    LMFAO. That is the funniest shit I’ve read in a few weeks jodonnell. You rule.

  5. Logabob says:

    Sigh… it seems as if every candidate is pro blobber-interests, not to mention that emplacement spammers have contributed billions of Fuel and Munitions to each side.

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